Words

Sometimes I find myself really bitter about things. Job-related things, mostly. Even though I’m so close to the US political scene, it doesn’t fire me up very often. But back to the bitterness. I’ve never been able to figure this out. I like doing things my way, and I guess that’s ultimately what it boils down to. I had to ask for guidance this morning from a superior, and it was very uncomfortable, because I don’t do that very frequently. I just do stuff. If there are problems, I’ll worry about that later. And there are rarely problems. But some people don’t care about that.

So I took notes all morning at this meeting. I’m not one to say that work is beneath me, but I will speak up if a task is pointless altogether. This was pointless, and it irritated me to get the evil eye from the one mandating the note-taking. This is after a mini freakout about a lack of badges, which I had followed up on and was not my fault. So as you can see, our office is operating like a Hill office. Which is not a good thing. I confess that I can be a pain. But if I am allowed to do my work with minimal interference, I am thrilled. I will be productive. But meddle and I become worthless. I start to doubt myself, I work more slowly, and I make mistakes. Lots of them.

Let’s be clear here: pressure is not the issue. I am self-admittedly GREAT under pressure. It’s when you throw five different versions of a document at me, all with changes, and hover over me waiting for the new version that I have a hard time. And this is happening a lot. When I am not treated as an equal, it also upsets me. Yes, I am young. Yes, I use different words in professional settings than others. Yes, I take big risks at work. None of these things make me an idiot. I have spent a lot of time honing my skills and abilities, too much to work to serve others and not get any credit.

So to you, my four readers, thanks for reading this and/or hitting the back button rapidly.

Sweet Oblivion

I know what you're thinking. An entry about a Screaming Trees album? That wouldn't be all that bad, I guess, but it's not the subject today. This one's about growing up.

I recently tried to find someone I went to high school with for a year. She and I were pretty close friends, and she went off to boarding school in New England (side note - until I went to Providence in 2004, I thought that EVERYONE in New England was absurdly rich, lived in manor-like houses, and attended boarding school. Blame Gilmore Girls.) and we even kept in touch for a while after that. One time during college, I ran into her at the library near my parents' house. We were both doing research on Scandinavian literature. Weird. And that was the last time I saw her. She told me how she'd had an eating disorder and had to leave school and was trying to get restarted.

I sent her an email a few years later just to see what was up, and she had been unable to finish school again at another university. This time it was unclear why. A Google search today revealed that she's at a third school, still as an undergrad. She's married with a kid. Her dad died a few years ago, and I read the obituary (which appeared in the Washington Post as a news article - he was a big deal), and I started to put everything together. She had a weird life. I can remember calling and thinking that her house seemed to operate in a totally different way than mine did. I never went over there; she came to ours. This never seemed odd until later. Her dad had six or seven kids from three marriages and her mom was basically a socialite. But they were clearly very wealthy, and in my 15-year old brain, I think I saw this as worry-free living.

It's amazing how the human personality is so chameleon-like. We're completely different depending on our surroundings. My friend was totally different when we were by ourselves than when we were around other people. I am very friendly at work with everyone, but I almost never go anywhere outside work with a co-worker. And by almost never, I mean it's happened like three times in the past five years. Maybe. I think I'm afraid of being exposed to the outside lives of other people. I'm comfortable with them in the work atmosphere, and I don't know why I should try to move beyond that. I don't expect anyone to be interested in my personal life, so I return the "favor." With very few exceptions, I even ignore co-workers if I see them by chance in public. I wasn't quite as insular in school, but it was close.

I don't know whether I'm unique in this sense or not. My family is more important to me than any outside friendship could ever be, I think. And I'm OK with things being that way forever. Mrs. Original needs the outside friends. She thrives with those relationships. I want to control how often I see people, and that's pretty infrequently for most. Sometimes I feel self-absorbed and anti-social, but I'm comfortable with the way I am and the relationships I have, and isn't that supposed to be the most important thing?

High school was so odd in this way. There were rich kids, poor kids, cool kids, dorky kids, every kind of kids. And you knew so little about each person, even if you thought you knew them well. My friend had such a hard, strange life and I never saw even a hint of that. I imagine high school reunions to be like windows into the everyone's real personality. Parents are a non-factor, you've created your own identity, and you know you're seeing people just for that one night. I've never been to a high school reunion, and I'm not sure that I'll ever go to one. But if I do, my window will be open.